grateful.

"I don't really understand what is happening to me...I'm living my days behind a window, as if a clear pane of glass separates me from all breath outside my own. Seeing...but from a distance. Hearing...but barely listening. Do others feel as distant to me as I do to them? I feel somewhat guilty at my lack of guilt for my desire to remain one-in-one with my Jesus...knowing the day will come when the veil is lifted from my chamber, oh so intimate, and he will ask me to give away the rivers of love that have consumed my very being...But now, I am here...he has asked me to come...and every moment I savor, every touch I embrace and every word I etch in my heart...he has stripped me of anything, everything outside of his presence and firmly rooted my identity in Him. Apart from Him, I am nothing...I want nothing...but in Him...I am His temple, in ME, his presence abides..."

Looking back through old journals, I read this entry...and read it again...and again...and again. I remember the day so vividly. All my friends had left for the weekend to take a road trip to Kansas City for an Open Heavens conference...I was on my porch, sitting with Jesus. I kind of wanted to go...Akil, my only good friend at the time, was going, so the decision whether to go was tough. But honestly, the thought of going to another conference to sit in a room with hundreds of people and stare at hoity-toity apostolic evangelist prophetic ministry CEO's of the gospel of and oversized plasma screens with easy to remember worship phrases made me feel incredibly nauseauted. An open heaven sounded nice...but I'd rather get wrecked in my closet, at fidos or on the pavement....anywhere..as long as it was just me and Jesus.

And it was...it was just me and Jesus, for quite a while, in fact. Despite the intimate romance my heart was having with it's designer, life outside continued. it's ironic. I remember so much...but I remember so little. Some days I Iong to go back there, my chambers of intimacy, so sweet, safe and secluded. But then papa reminds me what he s doing...Mallory. I am making room...expanding your tent pegs...if you want more of me, give more of me away...

And in Him, I have peace...and...as new revelation is birthed, I have pleasure...HE gives me pleasure. HE gives me joy, He gives me freedom, life and abudance.
And I love my life. Gosh, I love my life. I love Priscilla. I love Mark. I love Travis. i love Laura. and I love Steven. I LOVE THAT MAN... woohoo! I love Jeremy. I love Sheena. I love Angie. I love lil' Mike. I love lil' Anthony. I love Rob. I love Otis. I love Casey. And whenever I look into Sheenas' eyes, I see my Jesus...and when I hold lil' Anthony, I am embracing my Jesus, ...and He's never been more beautiful.