what's this about honor, anyway
Since I met Jesus...really met Jesus...in and out of the Christian circle and "ministry world" I've heard endless conversations concerning the concept of 'honoring' women, an idea provoking me to feel somewhat uncomfortable and unsettled. A few years later, after what I consider a beautiful, intense and ongoing journey with Jesus, I realize I still have no grasp of understanding for what 'honor' is all about...
Growing up in a small, country-town atmosphere, I became extremely desensitized to the abuse of women---physical, emotional or mere judgmental blunder. At an early age, the beauty of physical touch became jaded and was to me a defense mechanism protecting the intimate places of my heart. Years of this mentality led to a numbness of heart and a subconscious acceptance that disrespect and abuse was simply an element of womanhood...the extremely inappropriate comments at Wal-mart to the man who set-up video cameras in a tanning salon when I was 16 and watched us naked...it sucked, sure, but after awhile...it just became...whatever.
Honestly, my sight for this stuff changed when a certain person entered my life and was utterly appalled to see, hear and experience some of the occurances women must face on a daily basis. I was shocked to learn of his passion against the aforementioned events, a deliberate desire and effort to not join the stream of rushing vices. I knew it was wrong, yea, but honestly...I didn't really feel hurt or upset. I was numb to it and didn't let it go deep...it just wasn't worth it. So as time passed, I began to de-desensitize myself and rid my mind and heart of the callouses that had formed over the years...and slowly, it's working...slowly...
But here's the thing. I didn't take that stuff personally...I don't take it as a personal attack when some horny, lust-driven man grabs my butt at wal-mart or the construction men yell when all the girls walk by...I just don't. It's their issues manifesting, not some personal vendetta against who I am.
But you know what hurts me so much more?
When a person who should really know me and confidently speaks of how and why women should be honored, totally rips to shreds who I am...comments giving a glimpse of the state of his own heart and in the meantime, creates a dirty, tainted picture of me. I know I have issues...who freakin doesn't. I know I've got flaws...but one thing I'm realizing about myself is that I continually find myself picking up the slack for the irresponsibility of man's mistakes and in an attempt to smooth things out and make things ok, create an inaccurate picture of myself and take into no account my own needs or desires. But I'm a fixer...it's my job...haha, not anymore. I don't take the other jabs personally because I know they don't really see me...I know its disrespectful but come on, all they see is a woman. Not who I am. But when someone DOES indeed see me...THEN. THEN..let's talk about honor. Because now, I just might have a more difficult time not taking it personally.
All this to say, I just don't really understand this 'honor' thing...I looked it up on webster and it defines "honor" as a: to regard or treat with honor or respect b: to confer honor on b2 a: to live up to or fulfill the terms of.
I had a dream last night about this guy I grew up with...a guy who is the center of one of the first traumatic experiences I had as a young teen. I was friends with one of the only black kids in my school and this guy led a group of other boys in badgering me, calling me incredibly rude and racist names. I didn't care...I got used to it. I'm pretty sure the dream is just showing me the Lord is really going to heal some places in my heart dealing with this whole 'honor' thing---or lack thereof---and bring revelation and understanding. God knows, I need it.
I will say this---two men I've recently met are indeed that of quality and character. For their own sake, haha, I'll call them Derek and Lyle. Hehe. Men of quality. Showing me more concerning true 'honor' than I've seen...well, ever.
It's really late...but I just had to get all this out.
So, Jesus...come...clean and heal my heart...bring true revelation. I need it.
Growing up in a small, country-town atmosphere, I became extremely desensitized to the abuse of women---physical, emotional or mere judgmental blunder. At an early age, the beauty of physical touch became jaded and was to me a defense mechanism protecting the intimate places of my heart. Years of this mentality led to a numbness of heart and a subconscious acceptance that disrespect and abuse was simply an element of womanhood...the extremely inappropriate comments at Wal-mart to the man who set-up video cameras in a tanning salon when I was 16 and watched us naked...it sucked, sure, but after awhile...it just became...whatever.
Honestly, my sight for this stuff changed when a certain person entered my life and was utterly appalled to see, hear and experience some of the occurances women must face on a daily basis. I was shocked to learn of his passion against the aforementioned events, a deliberate desire and effort to not join the stream of rushing vices. I knew it was wrong, yea, but honestly...I didn't really feel hurt or upset. I was numb to it and didn't let it go deep...it just wasn't worth it. So as time passed, I began to de-desensitize myself and rid my mind and heart of the callouses that had formed over the years...and slowly, it's working...slowly...
But here's the thing. I didn't take that stuff personally...I don't take it as a personal attack when some horny, lust-driven man grabs my butt at wal-mart or the construction men yell when all the girls walk by...I just don't. It's their issues manifesting, not some personal vendetta against who I am.
But you know what hurts me so much more?
When a person who should really know me and confidently speaks of how and why women should be honored, totally rips to shreds who I am...comments giving a glimpse of the state of his own heart and in the meantime, creates a dirty, tainted picture of me. I know I have issues...who freakin doesn't. I know I've got flaws...but one thing I'm realizing about myself is that I continually find myself picking up the slack for the irresponsibility of man's mistakes and in an attempt to smooth things out and make things ok, create an inaccurate picture of myself and take into no account my own needs or desires. But I'm a fixer...it's my job...haha, not anymore. I don't take the other jabs personally because I know they don't really see me...I know its disrespectful but come on, all they see is a woman. Not who I am. But when someone DOES indeed see me...THEN. THEN..let's talk about honor. Because now, I just might have a more difficult time not taking it personally.
All this to say, I just don't really understand this 'honor' thing...I looked it up on webster and it defines "honor" as a: to regard or treat with honor or respect b: to confer honor on b2 a: to live up to or fulfill the terms of.
I had a dream last night about this guy I grew up with...a guy who is the center of one of the first traumatic experiences I had as a young teen. I was friends with one of the only black kids in my school and this guy led a group of other boys in badgering me, calling me incredibly rude and racist names. I didn't care...I got used to it. I'm pretty sure the dream is just showing me the Lord is really going to heal some places in my heart dealing with this whole 'honor' thing---or lack thereof---and bring revelation and understanding. God knows, I need it.
I will say this---two men I've recently met are indeed that of quality and character. For their own sake, haha, I'll call them Derek and Lyle. Hehe. Men of quality. Showing me more concerning true 'honor' than I've seen...well, ever.
It's really late...but I just had to get all this out.
So, Jesus...come...clean and heal my heart...bring true revelation. I need it.
posted by Mallory at 11:13 AM
1 comments
