thank you Jesus

It's not a muggy night in Houston
And It's warming up in Kansas City
I can hardly believe that it's just you and me

I give you my life and all I am

But what I have to give
So I hand you a candid photograph of this little girl
'Cause I have nothing to my name
But I can give you that

Thank you Jesus...thank you Jesus....thank you Jesus....thank you Jesus.

Speechless.

I don't even know what to write...

I got permission to fall.

Vulnerability or chinese water torture?

Vulnerability.

I've never been bungee jumping or sky diving but I'm pretty sure that the five seconds before each "jump" feels pretty similar to what I feel right now. Feels like someone is hanging on to my beltloop, dangling me off a cliff and I'm just hanging there...not sure when they're gonna let go or even if they will, for that matter. At random points in time I feel land beneath my feet but for the most part, everything feels like I've already fallen...but I haven't. Not yet. And whats even worse is that most first timers don't jump alone, you do it with a professional, someone who has jumped thousands of times...so in all reality, you have no choice of when the moment will arrive when you find yourself plumeting into thin air. All you can do is wait...close your eyes, hang on for dear life, and wait. It's a terrifying yet exhilirating feeling which really leads me to ask the question...which is worse, vulnerability..or chinese water torture? At this point...they are pretty close to even.

A moment in history

I just had to document this moment as a landmark in history: Saturday, November 26, 2005 at 11:33 AM
I, Mallory Paige Gabard, am sitting at at the Nashville Public library. I know. Read it again. Believe it. It's true.

I will now brush away my pride for my accomplishment and continue the work before me....

Just wanted you all to be a part of this special time in my life...haha.

A good few days.

These past few days have been really amazing. I love how Jesus shows up in unexpected ways and places, always catching me offguard. Wednesday morning I woke up and had coffee with some friends, got dressed and then went to the mall. It was a trip taken for no reason--just felt like I needed to go. I walked around the mall, stopping to try on some cute dresses where Lyd works, when I ran into a friend I used to work with at the Macaroni Grill. We were really good friends, hanging out on a regular basis until I came back from Mozambique and in the midst of everything, we lost touch. As we sat on a bench outside of the Fossil store, we talked for over an hour about the way both of our lives had drastically changed in the last 6 months. While we are two completely different individuals, we both had really bad break-ups and he had been in terrible car accident and hospitalized for over a week. He was so hurt by what had happened...was made out to be a terrible person by someone who was supposed to be a friend and now, the love of his life, sees a person he simply is not. He cried to me. I understood because I know it's the worst feeling in the world to feel misunderstood. It's crippling. Makes you feel helpless. To have your character and heart attacked...Jesus, let me never do that.

After my long talk with him, I went out to dinner with an old, new friend and his family, whom I absolutely LOVE. There are few places and groups of people I feel at home with and coincidently, they just happen to be one of them.

Cila and I woke up yesterday and, of course, went to Starbucks for my grande soy chai and her grande soy no whip no foam five pump gingerbread latte. We drove down to Spring Hill to hang out with her mom for awhile. It was fun...we sat in her kitchen while her mom cooked, just chatting about their lives and family. We left and went to my family's house in Chapel Hill where we had the weirdest Thanksgiving dinner EVER. Haha...whatever, it was fun. Lyd was over so its always good to see and hang out with her.

And last night? Let's just say I woke up with the same smile I fell asleep with...

another roller coaster of a day

I had an amazing time with the Lord yesterday...I dove into an awesome time of worship where I simply got on my face with Jesus. I am in a situation where, really, I am helpless...I've gone too far that I can't deny where I am. I can't turn back...but I'm sure not taking a step forward. I can only BE. I can be where I am, feeling what I am feeling, knowing that at this point, I really can't guard my own heart...it is in the hands of my KING. I am fallible. He is not. I will fail. He will not. I can ask for the desires of my heart and be willing, if I am led, to go forward inch by inch.

Cila and I went to pray for Mary, a lady from our church who has a really bad back. We began to pray for her wile she was laying in her bed when the Lord started to do something really cool...He moved our attention to her son, a 25-year-old man standing shyly by the door. We got some cool words for him and began to see some sort of movement happening between the mom and son. We just began to glorify God, tell some testimonies and rejoice in the healing power of Jesus. It was awesome...she called us about 20 minutes after we left to tell us that she felt major spiritual breakthrough that she and her husband had been praying for....it was totally right on bc we felt a major shift in the atmosphere as we were wrapping up.

In all situations, GOD IS FAITHFUL! HE IS GOOD! HE IS GOOD! HE IS STEADY! HE IS CONSTANT! HE IS THE GIVER OF PEACE!
GIVE HIM PEACE, JESUS! GIVE HIM PEACE! BE THE LIGHT AT HIS FEET THAT GIVES HIM THE CONFIDENCE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP, NOT WORRYING ABOUT WILL HAPPEN. THANK YOU JESUS!! YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL! YOU KNOW THE BEST FOR OUR LIVES AND WILL NEVER LET US SETTLE. THANK YOU PAPA.

Our new blog

So, Priscilla and I decided that our lives were so amazing that we had to start sharing ourselves with everyone...in a completely "safe" way. SOOOooo...yes, ladies and gentlemen, here it is... http://www.thehouseofhotness.blogspot.com !!

It's whatever.

I think one of the most frustrating feelings in the entire world is to feel misunderstood...that's probably the reason I am so persistant with walking in the truths of the character of Jesus...
Why do people assume you're asking for something that you're not...I place so much importance on words. I say what I mean...nothing more, nothing less. I do my best never to assume anything about anyone...take things and people for what they say and do. Living in assumptions is terrible and usually only hurts yourself...
No one can know what is giong to happen until it happens...thats what risk is all about...be willing to walk in the "now" and see where it leads you...no matter where it ends. Is it worth it?...well, it's a decision no one else can make.
What does it have to be one way or another...God, I don't want to walk away...the thought of living life without knowing how you're doing, what you're doing...I don't even want to think of it. But can we be that...and just that?...I don't know. Please try to be my friend...want to be my friend...want to be in my life...regardless of what it looks like.

Gosh, this is a blog of ramblings...thank God no one really reads it besides the two people who I'm sure have heard this 1000 times today...

just being honest.

I'm just going to be transparent...

I'm attempting to be be stable. To stand in the truth of the goodness of God, knowing he will never fail me. He doesn't play games with our hearts, I know that...but it's hard. Really hard. Turns out the feelings are mutual...exciting yes? Omigosh, I am thrilled...excited for what is happening and what I hope continues. But I am absolutely terrified...I'm terrified of making myself vulnerable, acknowledging how I feel...because what if he doesn't...He's nervous...scared...apprehensive...all for valid reasons. I was engaged just a few months ago...he's had bad experiences with ladies in the past...he doesn't want to screw things up or hurt me. All of which I completely understand...but his nervousness makes me nervous. His apprehensiveness makes me , well, apprehensive. I'm making a priority to only move when he moves...
He senses direction, thats good. His family is happy. My family is happy. Our spiritual mom and dad are estatic. It really does comes down to what he wants...and if his desire can overcome his fear. Jesus...help him. Take away all the fear, uneasiness, etc.....fill his heart with peace and joy...
I look so forward to the day when he jumps in...says 'this is how I feel and I'm going after it!' The day when the walls are torn down and I can get to see him for who he really is...no worries of saying/doing the right thing, too much, too little..just him. Finding how what drives him nuts, makes him excited, gets on his nerves.. I can't wait...just from what I do know, I can only imagine what is yet to be seen...

But regardless of his unsettlednes, I am trusting in what the word promises....Love casts out all fears. I am standing on what is in my heart...it's a risk, yes....a terrifying, yet thrilling risk that I am willing to take. I'm choosing to believe....that daddy is totally guarding my heart and I am in a safe place. That WE are in safe place...because I trust him. I trust Jesus and I trust him...completely.

Daddy...make it happen. Wipe away the fear...wipe away the unsettledness...I trust you. Love is your speciality...you know how it works. I'm just gonna receive it...

dreaming

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold

Can I have it?

Oh, Jesus...you said if I seek you with all I have then you would grant me the desires of my heart...Papa, I'm asking. I've sought you and spent the last few years simply trying to be obedient to your voice, no matter the cost. It's my hearts desire to abide in you, with you...but now, I'm asking. I'm asking for this one...
I don't want to hide what I feel, pretending its not there and attempting to move on when in actuality, all I'm doing is lying and trying to cover something that has been there for years.
Did You speak directly to me? No. Did I hear your audilble voice? No. Did you send an angel to visit me in the night to deliver me the message...? No.
But ya know what, sometimes you don't have to...sometimes all you have to do is look in front of you and see the beautiful gifts God has given to you and watch in awe as something stunning and amazing is formed...that's what I've done. I'm watching this beautiful creation from my daddy and wanting, wishing so badly that it is true..that what appears from the outside is indeed pure on the inside and something I will walk in for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm seeing my other half...someone that fits to me to compose a completion. It's been built, molded...it's ready. All they have to do is be put together...and trying to find it anywhere else just seems fake...and impossible to get as close as what already exists.
It's suprising but it makes sense...
So, Jesus...I"m asking...I'm asking with an heart overflowing of a desire that I'm finally ready to admit exists...and exists in a powerful way...

Can I have it?

home.

one day I took a walk up the street
And picked a flower and climbed the hill
Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds
Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else
You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard you're name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And somethings are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now,
And it feels always,
And it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

all i want.

I listened to a friend of mine preach tonight about revival...he's a great man, good friend, extremely dear to my heart. He talked about how our generation was called to revival and we would see things greater than we could even imagine...and granted, I want to be fertile soil, willing and wanting to receive all He has...but to be honest, I'm not after the power. I'm not after walking with ridiculous amounts of annointing...because even though Jesus walked with them, you can walk in power and anointing but not look, smell, or feel anything like Jesus...but I'm after the heart of God. I'm after living in such an intimate place in the heart of my daddy that I can't move, think, sleep, or dream away from His heart...and when I am in that place, the power and annointing follows...

I've lived in a land where revival is flowing like milk and honey...people are getting saved, healed and delivered by the hundreds...and its awesome. But what amazes me more and completely wrecks me for life...is watching lives change as they receive the revelation of the love and goodness of God. They choose to BELIEVE and walk in FAITH--and heaven resides on Earth.

I am after ONE THING: to live in such an intimate place with my daddy that His heart overflows through mine in every moment, allowing his love and goodness to flow through my veins and into the atmosphere.

I want this revelation of the "now" to continue to change my life...I do not want to live off of "high" from testimonies of what happened yesterday and the hopes of what could happen tomorrow....I want to live IN the present, finding the Jesus in every moment, knowing the reality of WHO HE IS and WHAT HE IS DOING.

Do I know the key to revival???? Yes, I do. The key to revival is KNOWING the NOW.

Right, Cila?

proximity

Proximity
by Cila

Here I am waiting for a friend at a cafe
I was suppose to be married that was this day
here he comes walking in
this has been my greatest friend
we laugh, we cry
we share it all in our eyes
Am I in love? Does he know?
what will happen if I let it show?
sitting here with him, its all fine
I think he sees it in my eyes
what is love?

what is love?
its a boy, its a girl
its emotions in a whirlwind
feeling joy, feeling pain
like your gonna go insane
love is proximity
and there is no remedy
two people of similar kind
at the right place and time
will it work? I don't know
is there anyone who will show us how?
full of love, living now

Here we go again
different time, different day in another cafe
I feel joy, I feel pain
I wanna know does he feel the same?
Is there more , are we just friends
I fight it everyday
wearing my heart on my sleeve
right now I just wanna get up and leave
do I tell him, should he know
aaaahhh forget it I'll let it go
what is love

what is love?
its a boy, its a girl
its emotions in a whirlwind
feeling joy, feeling pain
like your gonna go insane
love is proximity
and there is no remedy
two people of similar kind
at the right place and time
will it work? I don't know
is there anyone who will show us how?
full of love, living now

It's worth it.

Love...
It's about desire. Seeking the heart of sweet Jesus and then allowing him to fulfill your hearts desires...what you want and what you feel...trusting unconditionally in Holy Spirit and allowing the flow of His peace be your stoplight. Knowing that in every moment of every minute that the Lord is moving...moving to bring and guide you into the next step. As my friend Jason Kramer once told me "Mal, when the Lord puts a lamp unto your feet it doesn't give off very much life...just enough to take you from one step to another."

A profound word from Cila---Belief is the seed of faith but its faith...FAITH...that produces fruit

So, I believe. I believe that if I do that, live in the now, feeling whatever I feel....and KNOWING...without a shadaw of a doubt that my God is walking every step with me, guiding me, leading me in the right ways...the risk, the risk that is undoubtedly there, is totally worth it.

He's worth it.

It's worth it.

somewhere north

It's a muggy night in Houston
And all the intersections are like full service stations
I'm on my way to a familiar place
It's cold in Kansas City
And you can no more hear me than I can see your face
How I wish it was just you and me

We wouldn't have to talk above the crowd
We wouldn't have to talk so loud

I give you my life and all I am
But what I have to give
So I hand you a candid photograph of this little boy
'Cause I have nothing to my name
But I can give you that

I don't miss the driving
Seems like forever
And I'm always driving in my mind
And wearing out the road that gets me there

And I'm driving till my eyes just can't see straight
But I suppose that it's getting late

I may never find the sleep
I've lost all feeling in my hands and
Feet may touch the ground but
My mind's somewhere north of here

I DONT KNOW.

Although in my last post, I talked about how strong I am....I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this one.

Love. Even the journey there...is terrifying.
Absolutely terrifying
Knowing when to take a chance and when to begin the process of convincing yourself that you've just convinced yourself of everything you're currently thinking...the lines are fuzzy. Two of my friends from the UK once told me..."Mallory, falling in love feels so similar to the feelings you have when God is telling you something." So true. So true.
I'm not scared of love at all. I trust love more than any other "thing" in my life...I mean, why wouldn't I? Love is God's speciality; it's what he's best at. Why would I be scared of love? If anything, I want love at his purest core, after all, perfect love casts out all fear...right?
So what is it...what is it that scares me so deeply? I'm not sure really, but I know it has something to do with the journey....the journey we are forced to make when our hearts start to churn and our feelings are provoked. Beginning that journey is indeed a risk...what if you start the journey alone? What if no one follows you....what if you decide the risk is worth it...and the other person doesn't...it's a risk. It is.

Am I willing?....I don't know. I just don't know.