I'm sleepy. That's all.

These feet have walked the miles
My eyes have seen some things
The world may deem impossible
And a little strange.
But its just as he promised
That the greatest gift of all
Is a pure and perfect love
That I've found in you and me.

Seems unbelievable. Almost unspeakable
What have I done to deserve this, I don't know
Eyes closed in wonder
Arms raised in thankfulness
In a still, small voice, I can only say

Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus.

I FEEL AMAZING!

So, this is the jazz. God is soooo good. So good! The deeper I go into Him, the more amazing revelations I discover...
Dude, ok, so get this. Women, especially me, are often bombarded by "not enoughs." i.e.- not pretty enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough, not cool enough (well, i've not had that problem because I have long discovered the river of coolness tha flows from my very essence..haha). I'm sure men struggle with this too but I won't even attempt to go there since my lack of undestanding of men steadily decreases, as does my interest. So, check it out.
Here's God, right? God has a variety of characteristics...he's loving, he's righteous, he's jealous for his kids, he's a healer, he gives joy when we're down, he gives mercy every day, and the list goes on! God has these "constants" inside of us and it's our job to draw them out of Him. Most people get saved by the "fear of God" and have this misunderstanding that God is just this big, mean 'being" who kept them from hell. But as they go deeper into God they discover "oh, he's nice..oh, he's GOOD....oh, he's so jealous for me....wow, he's full of so much mercy." Well, if we are created in His image, right, that same deal goes with us...THERE IS NO LACK! EVER! AT ALL! I got this yesterday and since then, I've just asked Papa "Papa, tell me more about myself!!!!" Haha, its amazing! It's like I'm on this new journey of self-discovery when I'm realizing that I am totally enough! And I'm real! I have always had this fear of people thinking i was fake. Always. It's been like a barrier keeping me from living in freedom. But embracing and owning who you are is life-altering because you're allowing all thats lives inside to live on the outside! And you love it! And you embrace it! And you know that YOU ARE GOOD! YOU ARE GOOD!

Important things I must remember from the last 3 days of my life:
1. I am amazing.
2. I got free of this nasty bug-looking thing and it was sooo freakin cool bc I'm convinced it started this "me" revelation! haha!
3. Doubt is NOT of God but a fruit of fear.
4. God fulfills dreams not worst fears.
5. God desires to pour restoration on his kids...we just have to ask & receive.
6. The only way to live life, especially a life of relationships, is through complete vulnerability and transparency.
7. I'm amazing.

Cool. Ciao.

I feel stupid. I feel naive. I feel like I should have known better. For someone who claims that love is the only place to live from, I don't even know whats real anymore. Thats what I told God. God, all I want is something thats REAL. What if I have been loving from a place thats totally fabricated and not love at all...if love really is the most powerful force that casts out all fear...what is happening now? Why? How? Shouldn't that be enough?

Vulnerability.
Jesus, this is not good for my vulnerability lesson. I'm back at ground zero and quite frankly, I have no plans of leaving.

I don't understand. I don't get it.
I don't know if I can believe it.
When words have always been so important...
Why have so many spoken gone void?
I can't believe it. Jesus. Help me.

Papa, I know you are good. I can't deny your goodness. I don't know what to say, do, think...all I can is that I know you are good.

Time to think...

I've layed in bed for quite sometime now, computer in lap, attempting to write but no words seeming to fit and struggling to decipher what exactly is brewing inside. I'm having a "small" moment...I decided to look back at my blog (something I rarely do) and read past entries. The more I read, the deeper my heart began to feel the pure delight of our King has he has delivered his faithfulness and restoration over my life....

When my eyes can't see
And my ears can't here
I can trust in your goodness
I can stand on your mercies
I can lean on your promises
Because your love endures forever!

Papa, you are so faithful. You are so good. My soul aches for more of you...I long for a place that goes deeper, deeper into your presence. I want inspiration. I want your words. I want my face to resemble yours, sweet Jesus, and my eyes to overflow with the golden river that flows from the depths of yours.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I think of the extent my sovereign God has gone to save my life...I can just sit....

What an interesting weekend. It's Sunday morning...and something is happening. I'm not sure what it is. I woke up early today. Not sure why. No real need to pray...it was almost like God was saying "just remember this moment." So, ok, I'll remember.

Mark has been gone all weekend in Tulsa. Comes home today around 1. I can't wait. It's hard when he's gone...especially without a phone. It's like my best friend isn't here and those stupid things I tell him daily just go without being told. Like a little piece of me can't really move until I talk to him...and when I don't, it's just weird. I can't help but wonder what life will look like. Such similar hearts , similar dreams. Two people that are wholly given to laying down their lives to serve our sweet King. What does that look like with us? How long will Mark be doing the band thing? How long will I be working at a publication? How long will Nashville be our home...or at least where we live, anyway. I don't know. But there is one thing I DO know...

I am so freakin' cool. I'm amazing. I mean, come on. Look at me. I am a woman in the fullness of God. Wanna know why? I am proud to be who I am. I have reached the point of no return when it comes to following Jesus...but I am stable. I carry a weight of stability yet the flexibility to pack up in a day and move to Saudi. I love unconditionally and am convinced the only place to live is in the "now." My heart beats for the Muslims and have poured myself into studying international politics so I can have the tools I need to carry out whatever He wants from me. I will do everything I can to never make a decision out of fear, although the one area I need more freedom in is allowing myself to be vulnerable. Gosh. Isn't it unbelieveable. Mark, do even KNOW how freakin blessed you are?!??!?!

Haha. Own yourself. I'm learning how.

I have an amazing friend...she is truly an inspiration in my life. I've missed her and spending time with her has been....well, amazing. And she carries the same "coolness" as I. When we get together...man, just break out the winter coats and mittens cause you're gonna feel the breeze....ahhahahHAHAHAHHAhahaha. Ok, and with that, I'll go.

Mark, hurry home. I miss your beautiful face.